


the human thirst for self torture

by mikethemechanic



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Drunk Sex, F/M, Light Sadism, Multi, Plot Twists, Porn With Plot, Sadstuck, Sex in a Car
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:15:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29849688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikethemechanic/pseuds/mikethemechanic
Summary: even though we never said it to each otherwe knew
Relationships: Calum Hood/Original Female Character(s), Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Kudos: 1





	1. insults of a clock

The room is like a perfect magazine cover. I'm afraid to sit in case I wrinkle the fabric or stain it with something I don't even know is on my pants. The couch is cream but inlaid with a fine green silk; leaves embroidered so delicately that they might have landed there in spring and just sunk in, but I know they took hundreds of hours to sew.

The white curtains are linen, the kind of white that is untouched by hands and devoid of dust. A cursory look to the right shows me the almost hidden cords that are used to open and close them. There is no television, no bookshelf, no dining table, only the chairs arranged around the bespoke fireplace which leaps with a gas flame. The photographs are black and white, not casual family snaps, but arranged to look like such by a professional. Any one of them wouldn't look out of place in a spread of Hello.

I've never seen such a clean, let alone been allowed to sit and spend time in one.

"Your name?" He seats himself quickly, quicker than I could have.

"Fern," I say, "Amelia Fern."

"You don't go by your first name? Why?"

"Dunno, don't like it, I guess."

A wizened face peered out from under a wedge of blue hat, which was the only thing on his otherwise bald and mottled scalp save a sparse fringe of white. His eyes were so heavily lidded and weighed down with wrinkled folds that it was almost like talking to someone asleep, yet he was quite alert. With beard oil and good grooming, his mustache was soft and wonderfully expressive. I love a good moustache. It shows character and a sense of style, odd on such a person, but definitely worth the false sense of hope.

Beside me is a bowl of peppermints. I point, he nods, I take one. They taste like toothpaste and I wouldn't have eaten more than one, wouldn't even have finished the first one, but I forgot to eat lunch again. "You need better candy, sir. These taste like my grandmas house."

He doesn't look at me, doesn't even spare a glance, "I could say the same about your attitude, ma'am." _Ouch_.

He wrote something down, scribbling onto a small, sparse notebook that looked as if it hadn't lasted more than a couple days before being chewed through. I wondered if he had a dog, a pet of some sorts. "So.." he's cutting me off even in my own thoughts, "I would like to start from day one."

"What classifies day one?"

"The last thing you can remember, anything of any relation," he checked his watch, something that was probably a thing he wore as an accessory, yet one that carried great significance. "We have plenty of time."

"Ok then... I was drunk."


	2. meet me in the hallway

I remember thinking about him, a lot. I don't know why. He was a pervasive man I guess, much like his friends, much like me. Maybe that was why we got along, I don't know.

I remember the spinning of both my head and the room. When the higher brain is incapacitated there is a degree of being drunk, and this can happen through alcohol, or fear or tiredness. It can also happen from positive emotions, from love and feeling safe. I picked my addictions wisely. But that night it was alcohol, and I wasn't alone, no, I was surrounded by four other drunks.

It wasn't that bad though. They were the sweetest of boys, firm friends from so young, each creating more sparks of joy in the other. They were all instant smiles. Their energy spilled out just as much as the drinks in their cups and every other noise was their laughter. It was nice to be around them when they were sober, not just drunk. We often didn't know whether we'd be stripping and skinny dipping together, maybe even fucking, or if we'd have a friendly night in, some beers, nothing much.

That night we had many shots, tequila mostly, Luke loved tequila. That boy wouldn't be caught dead without a bottle, maybe even two. He and Ashton were both happy drunks, Ashton especially. They got drunk because it made them feel good, helped them get laid sometimes, not by me though, no I saved myself for Calum. What a hottie, and I mean that literally. I think the sexiest thing about him was how dedicated he was to being a good guy overall.

I remember talking to him, a lot. His accent was such a playful tune, as if he were the star of his own movie. I could have sat there all day simply to listen and smile. It wasn't a forced smile, no, it was definitely real. I think I even tried hiding it, I did that a lot when talking to him. I honestly think it was to hide how I felt, not only from him, but myself as well, y'know? I was just his hookup at night and friend in the day. I was his co-worker on set and his publicity stunt outside.

"Did he offer you the drinks?" The old guy interrupted me again, snapping me back into the room, back where he wants me. He can't have me spiraling, not yet.

"No, of course not."

"Did you offer the drinks then? To sleep with him, maybe?"

"No, no, nothing like that. We weren't trying to get each other drunk," I said, "nor sleep with each other. It was just a Sunday night in Ashton's basement while his mom was away."

"So you didn't sleep with each other than, right?"

"See mate, that's where you're wrong."

The man sighed, he had been scribbling across an empty sheet of paper for hours now, but this was the one time I actually saw something written down. "Go on."

Each passing moment felt like hours, probably because of the alcohol, but I think it was also the fact that Calum had spent most of it in the bathroom. I hadn't had the faintest idea what he was doing in there, but he sure took his time. Michael was talking to me right about then. Back then his hair color matched his lawn and must've been trimmed that way as well. He tried to have a post-ego hair style - something he really wanted for himself rather than as some weird statement to others.

He was talking about his girl Crystal, boy was she a looker. I don't know how he managed to get such a girl but he did and he never did stop talking about her. I guess I can't be too mad though, I'd probably do the same anyways.

Ashton and Luke were on the couch. Every so often one would get up and wrestle the other one to the ground. See now, I said Ashton and Luke were Happy drunks, well it took only a couple hours to make Luke the exact opposite. When he had at it, he became his inner thirty five year old depressed self, not a quiet one, no way, a loud one. One that, on occasion, would lead to fists being thrown and someone startled, then came the tears. Thats why we usually stayed inside. It was a matter of safety.

Calum emerged from that tiny little bathroom at about ten, maybe eleven at night. We started drinking at nine, so a good hour or so. Luke had passed out, basically meaning the fun was about to begin. I kinda figured that out when Calum made a beeline straight towards the bar and just one more to get to the buttons on my shirt. He was quick with those, he didn't like to waste his time on such things.

I remember asking him something, I don't know exactly what, but his response was something along the lines of, "meet me in the bedroom, I seem to have gotten myself bored."

I knew exactly how to respond as well, just a simple ok, some fuck me eyes and he was all set.

He led me to the bedroom by holding my hand behind his back and used the other one to navigate his way through the closed doors of Ashtons house. He started kissing me on my neck, he always did, I think because he knew I liked it, and when I did it to him and he would whimper, I figured it was because he liked it as well. I felt his kisses go from sweet and tender too hard and passionate in a matter of seconds, closed lips to opened, but each was a hickey leaver.

I remember the bed being really cheep. It made a lot of noise, but I'm sure the other boys weren't bothered, they had heard these things many times before. No one would've been surprised. Calum was good in bed. Maybe it was just me getting used to him, but either way he had had his practice. I wasn't normally the only girl he took to bed, but there was always something different in the way he treated me. I don't know, maybe it was just me being simple all along.

Adjusting his glasses, the man speaks again, "do you think you loved him when this all happened, or were your feelings developed later on?"

"I think I loved him, yes, but I don't think I realized it just yet." I said, "I think I liked the way he used me, good and bad."

"I understand."


	3. if now was forever

I remember waking up to an empty bed. 

This wasn't unusual, but it was weird for me considering he left not only his keys, but his phone as well. I just figured he went running or something, It was kind of his way of cooling down. He did that often. I was considering looking through his phone, not because I was jealous, but it was more of a curiosity type thing. Maybe find some of his girlfriends, notify them on what they've gotten themselves into, I don't know.

Ashton cooked breakfast that morning. It was this god awful pancake type of thing. It looked like my eighty year old grandmother and believe me, I'm being nice about this one. He was never much of a cook, but this crossed a line. I think it was because of the hangover, but I remember that he was in such a good mood, so maybe not. Luke was sitting, reading the newspaper, but all the other signs of that thirty two year old had left him. Michael was asleep and still no sign of Calum.

It was about eleven when we decided to look for him. Michael had gotten up a couple hours later and Ashton suggested the idea. The boy likes to keep his people around him and he especially hates when Calum just disappears. I think the part that scared him the most was that we hadn't heard from him at all and had no clue how long he'd actually been gone, he could've easily left at the ass crack of dawn, in fact he usually did, around six at the earliest. 

Being gone for that long meant he was either in trouble or started some, so we ended up looping around the block a couple times, just searching but trying our best not to look suspicious. We were sweating like pigs, and I was never much of a runner, but the heat sure didn't help. It was our first time being back in Australia for a while, getting used to such heat was hard, especially when you were looking for something you didn't want to find. 

The man adjusted his glasses and shifted in his seat, a plastic little thing, I'm surprised it fit him. "You didn't want to find him?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I dunno," I said, "as much as I tolerated him, he was a dick to me sometimes, you know?"

"Right," another scribble, "carry on."

We found him at a quarter past twelve at a seven eleven; not by himself of course, he was with some chick he had probably found inside. He wore her like a belt and pressed her against the wall as if he was in the privacy of his room, not being watched by several people. Ashton was the first to approach him, then Luke, then Michael, than me.

I watched him put her down, she licked her lips and walked away, back to find someone else, someone new. Her makeup reminded me of a poster and her dress, a hooker. I wouldn't be surprised if she was to be honest. Michael and Ashton yelled at him and Luke stayed behind with me, exchanging glances and making me laugh. He was good when it came to things like this, quiet, but I guess that's what made it better. It was nice having a guy like him around during shit like this, a leveled guy I guess.

He didn't talk to me directly after our hookup, nor did he usually talk to me. I don't think he liked me very much, as a friend, y'know? He liked to sleep with me though. It was sort of a friends with benefits type of thing for me, for him though, I don't know. I don't think he even took the time to label it. I was just another hook up, and believe me, I reminded myself often. 

By noon we were packing. Everyone went home to say goodbye and had met us later at the airport. I stayed with Ashton at his house. I could've gone home and screwed about, but there was a lonely absence to that sort of thing. I guess I just wanted to be wanted in general, and with Ashton I always felt some sort of comfort; even if it was shots with the boys on another Sunday night. At least I wasn't alone, that's how I looked at it. 

I remember his mom crying. Thats what most moms do I guess, but still, it was weird to see such a range of emotions from a parental figure. It was my own problem, but I still asked him about it, I was a curious little shit sometimes, but at least I can recognize it. He told me it was just because she was emotional, shooting out the idea that it was because she was on her period or something. But he was wrong, it was because she loved him. He was her son, it would be weird if it was just because she was on her period.

"Do you struggle with the idea of love?" The man asked, "both romantically and platonically."

"I struggle with the idea of being loved by someone, anyone really."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I haven't experienced it yet, not something to such a degree anyways. I've always felt that if someone said or implied there love to me, it was a joke, they must've been faking it." 

He scribbles again. I decide to continue, again.

I remember how crowded the airport had been, how much it smelled like stale chips and alcohol. It was raining hell outside, wet, cold, and utterly humiliating after doing makeup and having it smeared across my face. I looked like an alley raccoon. The air conditioner didn't help either, with so many vents, I bet they kept it cold to keep people moving. Ashton had bought me a hot chocolate though, a sucker for sweets I was.

I bet he felt bad about the rain, about my situation, I don't know. It was a free drink, who cared?

We waited by the big windows to watch all the planes go by, or at least I did. Ashton didn't look up from his phone and once Mikey had arrived he quickly slouched and did the exact same. I was bored. My hot chocolate had cooled and I had drunken it not long after. By then the only thing keeping me entertained were the jets outside and the leftover chocolate sliding from side to side, ditched at the bottom of the paper cup.

I remember feeling someone scare me from behind, they had put their hands on my shoulders and shaken me. It hurt, maybe because of my mood or maybe because of their strength, but It did kill. Surprisingly it was Luke, the gentle giant unleashing his anger I presumed. Calum wasn't far behind him and by the way he held his bags alone, I knew something tickled him strangely. 

He had jerked his head, I thought it was a stretch, maybe an anxiety tic, but he repeated it. He could've been having a seizure, now that I think about it, but he stopped once I stood and decided to walk away from the crowds of angry flight attendants. I remember him hugging me, this weird way that no person would expect from Cal, hell, I wouldn't expect such a hug from anyone.

He smelled like coconuts and smoke, like a tiki bar after the bonfire. I think that was the first time I had actually smelled him, dissected his scent in a way a woman can do only from such close contact. It was a firm hug, but it wasn't one that he would give say, Ashton or even a sensitive guy like Luke. No. He actually meant this one. I mean, I figured he did when he started to talk. I felt his mouth move and I remember leaning closer, only to hear his muffled apologies. His little sorry's against my stomach and damp t-shirt.

I think it was the first time I had heard him apologize. I didn't know what to think to be honest. I think I had just unlocked a new level to his brain, but I think the problem was that I didn't know how to stop. I didn't want to stop.


End file.
